The limited edition handset is the perfect metaphor for Marvel Comic’s latest blockbusting superhero. It wraps the inventive, technologically savvy qualities of Tony Stark in the durable, sleek, red and gold armor of Iron Man. Sweet. LG Shine to the Rescue.

But as cool as the movie looks, with all due respect, I was never a huge Iron Man fan growing up. Rich dude flying around in a suit of armor? Fap fap fap. So I can’t help but wonder Why does HE get a phone in HIS honor, when there have been countless comic book butt-kickers who deserve it way more? Are there less juvenile, more serious issues to ponder in the world today? Definitely. Did I spend an afternoon matching my favorite comic book characters with their respective cell phone technology? Absolutely.

Dr. Octopus - iPhone

At the height of smart-phone technology, who better to operate the multi-touch interface screen of Apple’s iPhone than evil super-genius Dr. Otto Octavius?

When he’s not busy throwing tanks, activating nuclear reactors or beating up Spidey, Doc Oc can use his mentally-controlled, telescopic tentacles to check emails, download music, text message his girlfriend while updating his blog, all at the same time! We’ll call it the iiiiPhone.

Wolverine - RAZR

For obvious reasons Wolverine needs something sharp, virtually indestructible, and able to accommodate his short temper. When he’s finished dealing with some punk Rogers customer service rep, he needs a phone he can throw into an enemy’s jugular. A cellular ninja-star if you will. So what better than a RAZR?

Silver Surfer - Motorola Q (Silver)

Exiled on earth, the Silver Surfer needs his very own silver…surfer…to surf….the web…get it? ‘Cause the phone is silver, and he’s……oh man that was terrible! What am I doing with my life?! Have you ever actually “booed” yourself? I can’t even look at myself in the mirror after that one. Wow. I suck for just suggesting the Motorola Q. Kicks me in the balls next time you see me.

The Hulk - TA-838/PT

“Hulk wearing ripped purple pants. What you wearing?” My impression of the Hulk having phone sex everybody….No? Nothing? Tough crowd. Anyhow, it’s pretty hard to picture the giant green bundle of rage delicately tapping away on his Blackberry, especially since one finger could turn the phone into blackberry juice. And I can’t picture him about to launch an oil tanker into orbit, only to be interrupted by Rihanna’s Umbrella song muffling its way out of his left pocket, when he pulls out his flip phone to take the call: “Hello? Hulk busy. Send text.” The Hulk needs something bulky with big buttons, something with the ability to send and receive calls while surrounded by explosions and incoming missiles.

Nothing takes a beating like the TA-838/PT Military Field Telephone, and incidentally nothing dishes them out better either. In the hands of our angry green friend the TA-838 is perfect for clobbering bad guys, smashing them into the ground like hammering a nail. And for fashion purposes, the phone also matches his skin color!

Steve Jobs is publicly against it, wireless carriers don’t want to endorse it, but as long as the internet’s involved, portable devices will inevitably be loaded up with the hottest, sexiest, and tiniest porn available. It’s already big in Europe and Asia, but portable porn hasn’t quite surged forward in America. Will it? Is the iPhone the device to carry it through?

With a big viewing area, the iPhone’s might have a screen just big enough. The Sony PSP, a contender in the portable porn market, clocks in with a 480 X 272 high resolution screen, comparable to the iPhone’s 480 X 320. The extra might help kick it out of “this is stupid small” and into an acceptable “hold it three inches front of your face” option. That, combined with easy internet access, takes care of the basics. (As for where to go on the web to find it, just head on over to the number one access point for iPhone porn sites: Google)

What about the iPhone’s whole touch potential? Sure, nipple twisting fingerprint circles on a smooth, cold, flat surface while sitting on a toilet in a mall bathroom might trigger a “EUREKA! I feel low” moment, but maybe there’s something to integrating touch with some kind of porn hacked application. We can all hang back until the Japanese sort out that whole avenue.

As for portable porn in general, there are upsides, and downsides. On the plus side, a phone’s a much more personal and private a device than a computer, less likely to be household/shared. Ironically, another advantage is that it’s much more public if you want it to be. Beer + iPhone porn = giggles among friends. And, fact is, if you ever “need” porn, you’ve always… got it… see, that’s just it, I’m not sure how I feel about the idea of having porn with me at all times. That’s committing to a lifestyle right there, like… I dunno… carrying a flask. Not only does having it in your phone create a whole new type of paranoia and set of porn-tracks to cover, but if you do get caught, all traits in the outward personality you’ve cultivated over the years will crumble in irrelevance under your new public identity as “guy who carries porn with him wherever he goes”. Still, it’s better than being the guy who keeps a “beaver shot” in his wallet.

The irony is that sticking a bikini babe as your wallpaper is still fairly socially acceptable, with womankind generally resigned to a “boys will be boys” attitude about covered nipples. But what happens when those bikini babes come to life?

I can’t help picture the ever so liberal “boys will be boys” attitude quickly dissolving with the knowledge that boys are carrying around their very own portable lap dancers. And these girls don’t ask for money when they’re done.

Looking back on the 1966-69 Star Trek television series it becomes clear that Gene Roddenberry’s imagination was light years ahead of his time. Alright, well maybe a little closer to 40 years ahead of his time, but many of his technological fantasies have come to life and surround us every day. We might not be able to beam our sexy selves from one location to another or to regenerate our kidneys with a blue pill, but the infamous communicator is a prime example of this sci-fi meets real world phenomenon, manifested today in flip top cell phones. So, which one is sexier?

Okay, so maybe aesthetically speaking today’s phone wins the beauty pageant, but upon further investigation is becomes clear that it’s not how it looks, but how you use it that matters. Despite the clunky, primitive look of his communicator, no one flips open a phone like Captain James T. Kirk. Not only did it allow Kirk to keep in touch with his ship and crew, but whenever he suffered from inter-galactic snack attack he could use the flip top to grate cheese.

Notice the circular display screen at the center. Once in motion, the spider-esque pattern spirals outward, generating endless circles which could easily hypnotize the untrained eye. Always one step ahead, Captain Kirk never stared directly into the communicator when he used it.

Today’s cell phones may be sleeker, more colorful, more versatile, far surpassing Roddenberry’s predictions for the 23rd century, but what’s crucial to note is that you’ll never get a date flipping open your phone like this:

He may not have been able to take planetary pictures, watch Romulan music videos or send nasty text messages to the Klingons, but Kirk knew his way around a phone. He kept his flips simple, and the results speak for themselves: