It has been a little over a year since Apple worshippers and cell-o-philes camped out in massive lines, patiently awaiting the arrival of what the blogging community hailed as the “Jesus Phone.” Throw a little adultery in there and they’d have broken nearly half of the Ten Commandments in one fell swoop. What the heck is a “fell swoop” anyways? Well hopefully people will be wearing rubber boots on July 11 when Apple releases its iPhone 3G, aka Jesus Phone II.

The real question here is: Does the iPhone deserve the name? How do its features stack up to JC aka Captain Miracle? Find out as we put the two in the ring.

Community

Christianity has over 1.5 billion adherents worldwide, not even counting across history.
January 9th, 2007, Steve Jobs spoke first of the iPhone at the Macworld convention. 10 million iPhones are forecast to be sold by the end of 2008. Heck, there are only roughly 1.3 billion internet users worldwide. That said, it is increasing at a much fast rate.
Conclusion: Time will tell, but for now Jesus has a big enough lead that the iPhone’s got its work cut out.
Outcome: Jesus Wins!

Catering

Jesus can feed 5000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish.
Technically, with an iPhone, you could order 5000 pepperoni pizzas with extra cheese and bacon.
Conclusion: Fish sandwiches are gross.
Outcome: iPhone wins!

Resurrection

Jesus can raise people, as well as himself from the dead.
The only thing the iPhone has raised are its prices. Well, once you factor the data plan.
Conclusion: If JC were alive today he could wear the t-shirt: Original Zombie Maker. He don’t need no data plan.
Outcome: Jesus wins!

Buoyancy

Jesus walks on water.
You can skip an iPhone across a pond.
Conclusion: Even if you break the world record with 52 skips, your iPhone will eventually sink. Jesus on the other hand, can moonwalk across that s*** for hours without getting his ankles wet.
Outcome: Jesus wins!

Saving

Jesus saves souls.
The iPhone lets you save movies, images, and much more.
Conclusion: A saved soul with no gadgets makes for a boring life, but even with an iPhone, hell sucks. Be a decent person, and you don’t need a soul saved, though
Outcome: iPhone wins!

Party (Drinking) Features

Jesus can turn water into wine.
The iPhone can make fake beer disappear.
Conclusion: Given that the iPhone doesn’t actually create alcohol, this one’s no contest.
Outcome: Jesus wins!

Healing

Jesus can heal the sick.
The iPhone’s easy-to-use API has led to a multiplicity of medical software, set to revolutionize medical school, patient-doctor communication, and more.
Conclusion: While having a healer around is good in a pinch, the iPhone is set to have a much greater impact on the world’s medical care.
Outcome: iPhone wins!

And the winner is…….Jesus! Final score 4-3

If you have any other comparisons to add, let us know, and we can perhaps modify our results. The iPhone is made by Apple, Apple Records was created by The Beatles, and John Lennon considered The Beatles bigger than Jesus, but at the end of the day, Jesus comes out on top! Alright that makes no sense, but you get the idea. As for our combatants, time will tell what the score will end up being, with the iPhone’s growing appeal and Jesus’ fairly dated style.

Edit: Due to a comment pointing out Jesus’ lack of navigational skills, iPhone gets another point, and we’re now tied 4-4