It has been a little over a year since Apple worshippers and cell-o-philes camped out in massive lines, patiently awaiting the arrival of what the blogging community hailed as the “Jesus Phone.” Throw a little adultery in there and they’d have broken nearly half of the Ten Commandments in one fell swoop. What the heck is a “fell swoop” anyways? Well hopefully people will be wearing rubber boots on July 11 when Apple releases its iPhone 3G, aka Jesus Phone II.

The real question here is: Does the iPhone deserve the name? How do its features stack up to JC aka Captain Miracle? Find out as we put the two in the ring.

Community

Christianity has over 1.5 billion adherents worldwide, not even counting across history.
January 9th, 2007, Steve Jobs spoke first of the iPhone at the Macworld convention. 10 million iPhones are forecast to be sold by the end of 2008. Heck, there are only roughly 1.3 billion internet users worldwide. That said, it is increasing at a much fast rate.
Conclusion: Time will tell, but for now Jesus has a big enough lead that the iPhone’s got its work cut out.
Outcome: Jesus Wins!

Catering

Jesus can feed 5000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish.
Technically, with an iPhone, you could order 5000 pepperoni pizzas with extra cheese and bacon.
Conclusion: Fish sandwiches are gross.
Outcome: iPhone wins!

Resurrection

Jesus can raise people, as well as himself from the dead.
The only thing the iPhone has raised are its prices. Well, once you factor the data plan.
Conclusion: If JC were alive today he could wear the t-shirt: Original Zombie Maker. He don’t need no data plan.
Outcome: Jesus wins!

Buoyancy

Jesus walks on water.
You can skip an iPhone across a pond.
Conclusion: Even if you break the world record with 52 skips, your iPhone will eventually sink. Jesus on the other hand, can moonwalk across that s*** for hours without getting his ankles wet.
Outcome: Jesus wins!

Saving

Jesus saves souls.
The iPhone lets you save movies, images, and much more.
Conclusion: A saved soul with no gadgets makes for a boring life, but even with an iPhone, hell sucks. Be a decent person, and you don’t need a soul saved, though
Outcome: iPhone wins!

Party (Drinking) Features

Jesus can turn water into wine.
The iPhone can make fake beer disappear.
Conclusion: Given that the iPhone doesn’t actually create alcohol, this one’s no contest.
Outcome: Jesus wins!

Healing

Jesus can heal the sick.
The iPhone’s easy-to-use API has led to a multiplicity of medical software, set to revolutionize medical school, patient-doctor communication, and more.
Conclusion: While having a healer around is good in a pinch, the iPhone is set to have a much greater impact on the world’s medical care.
Outcome: iPhone wins!

And the winner is…….Jesus! Final score 4-3

If you have any other comparisons to add, let us know, and we can perhaps modify our results. The iPhone is made by Apple, Apple Records was created by The Beatles, and John Lennon considered The Beatles bigger than Jesus, but at the end of the day, Jesus comes out on top! Alright that makes no sense, but you get the idea. As for our combatants, time will tell what the score will end up being, with the iPhone’s growing appeal and Jesus’ fairly dated style.

Edit: Due to a comment pointing out Jesus’ lack of navigational skills, iPhone gets another point, and we’re now tied 4-4

The limited edition handset is the perfect metaphor for Marvel Comic’s latest blockbusting superhero. It wraps the inventive, technologically savvy qualities of Tony Stark in the durable, sleek, red and gold armor of Iron Man. Sweet. LG Shine to the Rescue.

But as cool as the movie looks, with all due respect, I was never a huge Iron Man fan growing up. Rich dude flying around in a suit of armor? Fap fap fap. So I can’t help but wonder Why does HE get a phone in HIS honor, when there have been countless comic book butt-kickers who deserve it way more? Are there less juvenile, more serious issues to ponder in the world today? Definitely. Did I spend an afternoon matching my favorite comic book characters with their respective cell phone technology? Absolutely.

Dr. Octopus - iPhone

At the height of smart-phone technology, who better to operate the multi-touch interface screen of Apple’s iPhone than evil super-genius Dr. Otto Octavius?

When he’s not busy throwing tanks, activating nuclear reactors or beating up Spidey, Doc Oc can use his mentally-controlled, telescopic tentacles to check emails, download music, text message his girlfriend while updating his blog, all at the same time! We’ll call it the iiiiPhone.

Wolverine - RAZR

For obvious reasons Wolverine needs something sharp, virtually indestructible, and able to accommodate his short temper. When he’s finished dealing with some punk Rogers customer service rep, he needs a phone he can throw into an enemy’s jugular. A cellular ninja-star if you will. So what better than a RAZR?

Silver Surfer - Motorola Q (Silver)

Exiled on earth, the Silver Surfer needs his very own silver…surfer…to surf….the web…get it? ‘Cause the phone is silver, and he’s……oh man that was terrible! What am I doing with my life?! Have you ever actually “booed” yourself? I can’t even look at myself in the mirror after that one. Wow. I suck for just suggesting the Motorola Q. Kicks me in the balls next time you see me.

The Hulk - TA-838/PT

“Hulk wearing ripped purple pants. What you wearing?” My impression of the Hulk having phone sex everybody….No? Nothing? Tough crowd. Anyhow, it’s pretty hard to picture the giant green bundle of rage delicately tapping away on his Blackberry, especially since one finger could turn the phone into blackberry juice. And I can’t picture him about to launch an oil tanker into orbit, only to be interrupted by Rihanna’s Umbrella song muffling its way out of his left pocket, when he pulls out his flip phone to take the call: “Hello? Hulk busy. Send text.” The Hulk needs something bulky with big buttons, something with the ability to send and receive calls while surrounded by explosions and incoming missiles.

Nothing takes a beating like the TA-838/PT Military Field Telephone, and incidentally nothing dishes them out better either. In the hands of our angry green friend the TA-838 is perfect for clobbering bad guys, smashing them into the ground like hammering a nail. And for fashion purposes, the phone also matches his skin color!

Power failures and flying beer bottles aside, there is nothing more distracting than having someone’s cell phone go off during a live performance. If the technology was brand new I could forgive the forgetfulness, but it has been decades people! For the love of baby Jesus turn off your phones! Especially when your ring tone is a stupid song about a stupid umbrella, ella ella…a…Aarrgghh! Makes me want to flush your hand-held jukebox down the toilet. Don’t get me wrong, I love my phone, I appreciate its usefulness, it’s practically an extension of my body at this point, but I know when and where to use it without looking like a douche bag.

As a stand up comic I’ve had countless jokes ruined by cell phones, so I did some research (and by research I mean checked out youtube) to see how others have dealt with them. What I discovered was hysterical. The following is a collection of videos demonstrating how cells have poked their little heads into all forms of public communication, and some of the most creative methods I’ve seen to handle the situation. Enjoy!

Method #1 I like to remind folks in advance. You are not in your living rooms, we can see you!

The most annoying audience members are often the ones who aren’t there.

Method #2 Embarrass the hell out the callee by bringing the caller on stage.

Method #3 Or even better, bring the stage to the them!

So captain awkward, what happens when your phone is the one spoiling the party?

Method #4 Gain sympathy, say “I love you”. (NOTE: May not salvage a sound-byte-driven, fear-mongering, and utterly failure-driven campaign for the American Presidency)

Method #5 Be a priest. Who’s gonna tell you off?

Method #6 Be smooth.

Method #7 Usually the opposite of smooth is rough, but in these cases the opposite of smooth is CRAZY.

I used to work in a crappy restaurant where you could get fired for answering your phone on the job. How the hell are these “professionals” still employed?

Method #8 Dance like an idiot to your own ring tone then answer the call on national television.

We traveled far and wide in search for answers to the timeless philosophical query, “How do you like them Apples?” What we discovered was horrifying, and many of us who set out were never to be seen again. But amidst a gruesome trail of mutilated iPhones, iPods, iMacs, and iBooks, we found our answers.

iBook, RIP

Good old fashioned book burning.

Look for Ray Bradbury’s upcoming bestseller, Fahrenheit 491

Rage against the machine! Many iBooks were injured in the filming of this next video.

iMac, RIP

This driver failed to notice the “iMac Crossing” sign on the side of the road

“I REGRET NOTHIiiinnnggg!!!!!”

iPod, RIP

The following contains scenes which may be disturbing to some viewers. Viewer discretion is advised.

iPhone, RIP

Battered, beaten and blended.

Looking back on the 1966-69 Star Trek television series it becomes clear that Gene Roddenberry’s imagination was light years ahead of his time. Alright, well maybe a little closer to 40 years. We still might not be able to beam our sexy selves from one location to another or to regenerate our kidneys with a blue pill, but the cell phones we use today have far surpassed his predictions for the 23^rd century.

Despite the clunky, primitive look of his communicator, no one flips open a phone like Captain James T. Kirk. Not only did it allow Kirk to keep in touch with his ship and crew, but whenever he suffered from inter-galactic snack attack he could use the flip top to grate cheese.

Notice the circular display screen at the center. Once in motion, the spider-esque pattern spirals outward, generating endless circles which could easily hypnotize the untrained eye. Always one step ahead, Captain Kirk never stared directly into the communicator when he used it.

We laugh at Star Trek’s attempt to create futuristic gadgets, but have we really come that far? Are cell phones today that different? It’s easy to trace the inspiration for many of today’s models.

Sure they’re sleeker, sexier, more colourful and certainly more versatile, but they share many similarities with the 1966 Roddenberry version. The display screen is now where the cheese grater used to be and the old hypno-circle has been replaced with the OK button and its surrounding navigational pad. But cell phone designers should take note: Kirk never had to clumsily dial no numbers.

You’ll never get a date flipping open your phone like this:

He may not have been able to take planetary pictures, watch Romulan music videos or send nasty text messages to the Klingons, but Kirk knew his way around a phone. He kept his flips simple, and the results speak for themselves: