It has been a little over a year since Apple worshippers and cell-o-philes camped out in massive lines, patiently awaiting the arrival of what the blogging community hailed as the “Jesus Phone.” Throw a little adultery in there and they’d have broken nearly half of the Ten Commandments in one fell swoop. What the heck is a “fell swoop” anyways? Well hopefully people will be wearing rubber boots on July 11 when Apple releases its iPhone 3G, aka Jesus Phone II.

The real question here is: Does the iPhone deserve the name? How do its features stack up to JC aka Captain Miracle? Find out as we put the two in the ring.

Community

Christianity has over 1.5 billion adherents worldwide, not even counting across history.
January 9th, 2007, Steve Jobs spoke first of the iPhone at the Macworld convention. 10 million iPhones are forecast to be sold by the end of 2008. Heck, there are only roughly 1.3 billion internet users worldwide. That said, it is increasing at a much fast rate.
Conclusion: Time will tell, but for now Jesus has a big enough lead that the iPhone’s got its work cut out.
Outcome: Jesus Wins!

Catering

Jesus can feed 5000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish.
Technically, with an iPhone, you could order 5000 pepperoni pizzas with extra cheese and bacon.
Conclusion: Fish sandwiches are gross.
Outcome: iPhone wins!

Resurrection

Jesus can raise people, as well as himself from the dead.
The only thing the iPhone has raised are its prices. Well, once you factor the data plan.
Conclusion: If JC were alive today he could wear the t-shirt: Original Zombie Maker. He don’t need no data plan.
Outcome: Jesus wins!

Buoyancy

Jesus walks on water.
You can skip an iPhone across a pond.
Conclusion: Even if you break the world record with 52 skips, your iPhone will eventually sink. Jesus on the other hand, can moonwalk across that s*** for hours without getting his ankles wet.
Outcome: Jesus wins!

Saving

Jesus saves souls.
The iPhone lets you save movies, images, and much more.
Conclusion: A saved soul with no gadgets makes for a boring life, but even with an iPhone, hell sucks. Be a decent person, and you don’t need a soul saved, though
Outcome: iPhone wins!

Party (Drinking) Features

Jesus can turn water into wine.
The iPhone can make fake beer disappear.
Conclusion: Given that the iPhone doesn’t actually create alcohol, this one’s no contest.
Outcome: Jesus wins!

Healing

Jesus can heal the sick.
The iPhone’s easy-to-use API has led to a multiplicity of medical software, set to revolutionize medical school, patient-doctor communication, and more.
Conclusion: While having a healer around is good in a pinch, the iPhone is set to have a much greater impact on the world’s medical care.
Outcome: iPhone wins!

And the winner is…….Jesus! Final score 4-3

If you have any other comparisons to add, let us know, and we can perhaps modify our results. The iPhone is made by Apple, Apple Records was created by The Beatles, and John Lennon considered The Beatles bigger than Jesus, but at the end of the day, Jesus comes out on top! Alright that makes no sense, but you get the idea. As for our combatants, time will tell what the score will end up being, with the iPhone’s growing appeal and Jesus’ fairly dated style.

Edit: Due to a comment pointing out Jesus’ lack of navigational skills, iPhone gets another point, and we’re now tied 4-4

Well the Technological messiah has finally arrived in Canada. Now we can get back to anticipating other things, like the Dark Knight, or the ability to watch the Dark Knight on your iPhone.

With the iPhone available and the grassroots consumer action which led to lowered fees, The iPhone will keep Apple afloat for at least another five years. At which point PCs will be tired of the fan boy arrogance and crush them with one quick swoop destroying hundreds of starbucks and graphic design schools.

So enjoy your iPhone. They are really cool.

Sources:

http://flickr.com/photos/jaapoost/2321527307/

http://flickr.com/photos/littera/353133292/

http://flickr.com/photos/shapeshift/352593346/

Steve Jobs is publicly against it, wireless carriers don’t want to endorse it, but as long as the internet’s involved, portable devices will inevitably be loaded up with the hottest, sexiest, and tiniest porn available. It’s already big in Europe and Asia, but portable porn hasn’t quite surged forward in America. Will it? Is the iPhone the device to carry it through?

With a big viewing area, the iPhone’s might have a screen just big enough. The Sony PSP, a contender in the portable porn market, clocks in with a 480 X 272 high resolution screen, comparable to the iPhone’s 480 X 320. The extra might help kick it out of “this is stupid small” and into an acceptable “hold it three inches front of your face” option. That, combined with easy internet access, takes care of the basics. (As for where to go on the web to find it, just head on over to the number one access point for iPhone porn sites: Google)

What about the iPhone’s whole touch potential? Sure, nipple twisting fingerprint circles on a smooth, cold, flat surface while sitting on a toilet in a mall bathroom might trigger a “EUREKA! I feel low” moment, but maybe there’s something to integrating touch with some kind of porn hacked application. We can all hang back until the Japanese sort out that whole avenue.

As for portable porn in general, there are upsides, and downsides. On the plus side, a phone’s a much more personal and private a device than a computer, less likely to be household/shared. Ironically, another advantage is that it’s much more public if you want it to be. Beer + iPhone porn = giggles among friends. And, fact is, if you ever “need” porn, you’ve always… got it… see, that’s just it, I’m not sure how I feel about the idea of having porn with me at all times. That’s committing to a lifestyle right there, like… I dunno… carrying a flask. Not only does having it in your phone create a whole new type of paranoia and set of porn-tracks to cover, but if you do get caught, all traits in the outward personality you’ve cultivated over the years will crumble in irrelevance under your new public identity as “guy who carries porn with him wherever he goes”. Still, it’s better than being the guy who keeps a “beaver shot” in his wallet.

The irony is that sticking a bikini babe as your wallpaper is still fairly socially acceptable, with womankind generally resigned to a “boys will be boys” attitude about covered nipples. But what happens when those bikini babes come to life?

I can’t help picture the ever so liberal “boys will be boys” attitude quickly dissolving with the knowledge that boys are carrying around their very own portable lap dancers. And these girls don’t ask for money when they’re done.

We traveled far and wide in search for answers to the timeless philosophical query, “How do you like them Apples?” What we discovered was horrifying, and many of us who set out were never to be seen again. But amidst a gruesome trail of mutilated iPhones, iPods, iMacs, and iBooks, we found our answers.

iBook, RIP

Good old fashioned book burning.

Look for Ray Bradbury’s upcoming bestseller, Fahrenheit 491

Rage against the machine! Many iBooks were injured in the filming of this next video.

iMac, RIP

This driver failed to notice the “iMac Crossing” sign on the side of the road

“I REGRET NOTHIiiinnnggg!!!!!”

iPod, RIP

The following contains scenes which may be disturbing to some viewers. Viewer discretion is advised.

iPhone, RIP

Battered, beaten and blended.

Steve Jobs and Apple are famous for technological breakthrough and the iPhone is just that. It is the “Super Cell Phone” of the future. It brings the Internet to your finger tips and puts it right in your pocket. Currently, the Iphone is only usable on the AT&T cell network. (Formerly, Cingular Network)

The iPhone is a cell phone, iPod, and internet mobile communicator all in one amazing device. Here are some of the iPhone features:

* Beautiful 3.5 inch touch screen with virtual keyboard.
* Patented multi-touch technology. You control the iPhone simply by tapping with your fingers. You can use multi-finger gestures to manipulate applications in your Iphone. An example would be expanding a picture or Internet page.
* The iPhone uses Apple’s OS X. Amazing applications in the palm of your hand. You have desktop type applications and networking at the touch of your fingertips.
* ITunes ready. Your iPhone will sync with ITunes and with your PC or Mac. You will be able to sync all of your data, contacts, photos, emails, calendars and more.
* 2 megapixel camera built in. Allows you to take photos or video on the fly.
* Highest screen resolution in Apple’s history, 160 ppi.
* Built in speakers.
* Scroll through technology allows you to scroll through your phone calls just like they were emails. You can make a phone call directly from your email. Quickly scroll through all your documents, photos, music and data. It is all just a touch away.
* The first truly full scale usable web browser on a cell phone. The Iphone puts the Internet at your finger tips.
* Email works with both IMAP and POP3 email servers. Something not done before in a cell phone.
* The Iphone features rich HTML emails.
* The Iphone features Google integration and offers Google maps.
* The Iphone offers Wi-Fi and Bluetooth 2.0.

These are the major features of the Apple iPhone. You can see from this list that the iPhone features make this cell phone truly revolutionary. Apple has once again out done itself and put Microsoft and the rest of the world on notice.

The Iphone is available in both 8 and 16 gig models. The iPhone features cannot be matched by any other cell phone or computer. Apple has partnered with both Google and Yahoo in order to make the iPhone dominate the mobile web market.

The feature of using Google maps provides the owner with his or her own GPS navigation system. You will never get lost again. The ease of use and the slick application interface make the Iphone unbeatable.

The iPhone truly is a computer in your pocket. You have a desktop computer in your pocket. Making a cell phone call has never been easier or so much fun. The apple iPhone offers a feature list right out of the box that will keep you happy for a lifetime.

The apple iPhone feature list will only grow over time. Steve Jobs and the Apple team will make sure that the iPhone never stands still. It is a revolution that will continue for years to come.

Steve Jobs called the iPhone the “ultimate digital device” and our review agrees with him. There has never been a single electronic device that has made more of an impact then the Apple iPhone.

The iPhone has more features than ever thought possible on a cell phone. The iPhone is a revolutionary product and one that sets a new standard for mobile cell phones.

If you are currently using the AT&T cellular network then you deserve to check out the new Apple iPhone. The iPhone will change the way you use the Internet and your cell phone. Get yours today.