Do we really still need to talk about this? You’d think with over a decade of experience under our belts along with our inherent delusions of hyper sophistication that we’d have figured things out by now. But the sad truth remains: cell-phone douche-baggery is worse than ever! In terms of maturity levels, many of us rank amongst toddlers, interrupting anyone and anything with our loud nonsense, our little fingers obsessively pushing buttons with what’s left of our attention spans constantly distracted by various bells, whistles, and bright colors on tiny screens. This ridiculous need to be in touch with all people at all times is getting out of hand, and while we think we are staying more connected with each other, we are in fact treating those closest to us like China treated the Mongols. We’re building giant walls people! The following are basic cell phone rules of etiquette which people still can’t seem to follow. In fact, they should be called “How to use your common sense and remain polite in a human society.” Read them, learn them, and absorb them into your system as you would the vitamins from a mango smoothie.

1. Talking too loudly.

“YES! FOR THE LOVE OF BABY JESUS, WE CAN HEAR YOU NOW!” For some bizarre reason people feel the need to raise their voices while on their phones. I think we’ve come far enough, technologically speaking, to trust the phone’s microphone to adequately amplify and carry your voice. Your mouth couldn’t physically be any closer to the microphone, so unless you’re talking into it from a Captain Kirk distance or calling in an airstrike while under heavy machine gun fire, there’s no need to yell. Hell, even Kirk never raised his voice and he was communicating with an alcoholic Scotsman on a space ship!

Note: There are attention-seekers out there who speak loudly on purpose to “show off” recent accomplishments and victories to impress surrounding strangers. Do not hate on them too much, they were probably adopted and are cursed to constantly seek approval from anyone within earshot.  Lord knows, I’m adopted, and that’s what I do.

2. Holding inappropriate conversations in public.

No one needs to hear how wasted you were last night, or what color your boyfriend’s boxers were on the night the two of you, um, “played Scrabble.” Keep your personal conversations personal. If you don’t want people to see you crying in line at the bank or while ordering a stuffed-crust pizza, refrain from having emotional conversations in public. Offer to call the person back, step outside, or find a quiet place where you can openly and unabashedly describe your new foot fungus.

3. Rudely interrupting conversations.

Have you ever felt the only way to maintain a conversation with the person right in front of you is to give them a call? Ever arrive at the climax of a hilarious story, only to have the momentum ruined by “Sorry, I gotta take this”? Why is the disembodied voice of someone else more important than the flesh and blood standing before you? It’s very frustrating to stand around waiting while your “friend,” date, or family member gets into a phone conversation on your time. When this happens, I recommend simply walking away. Even when you’re sitting in a restaurant, if your date would rather chat with someone else, then you should get up and leave immediately to find someone else. Or, as I mentioned earlier, call them on their other line. “Hey, how’s it going? How’s your sea bass? Isn’t the wine delicious?” If you can’t beat ‘em, call ‘em.

4. Checking your phone at the movies.

Movie theatre announcements and people who are quick to “shhhh” have done a decent job of reducing reducing cell phone rings over the years. But people are still checking their calls and text messaging rfiends, silently, but equally annoyingly. There’s a reason why we spend an arm and a leg to watch movies in the theatre. When the lights go out and the screen lights up, we try to forget our everyday troubles and we submerse ourselves into whatever the hell world we bought tickets for. We escape. But when out of the corner of our eyes we see someone’s entire face light up while they check their phone messages, we’re yanked right back to reality and are reminded of how many jerks per square foot there are in the world. Turn your phones off, have a little consideration for the people around you. The world won’t stop spinning if you’re unavailable for 2 hours. “But what if there’s an emergency?” The odds of an actual emergency occurring are astronomical. Besides, if there was an emergency, it already happened. You already weren’t there, and chances are the people who could actually do anything about it, already have.

5. Texting while driving.

Somebody please get the “Darwin Awards” on the phone. Of course, if you’re driving when you do, make sure you’re on hands free or have pulled over before you start explaining how there are people who send texts while behind the wheel of a vehicle. According to a Harvard University study, cell phones cause over 200 deaths and half a million injuries each year. And that’s with eyes on the road! Laws are in place to make sure people aren’t talking on their phones, and yet people are typing?!?! (I very rarely use the double question mark with the double exclamation point at the end of sentences, but this is ridiculous) I would love to see the tombstone: Was LOL when he WCTTFW (Went crashing through the freaking windshield) Anyone caught texting while driving should be stripped of their driving license forever.

6. Texting while talking.

You ever have someone try to listen to your story while text messaging someone else? You want to give them points for making the effort as they clumsily insert “oh yeahs” and “un huhs” at all the wrong moments, cutting you off mid-sentence with a “no way” as they furiously thumb type in your face, but at the same time you want to volleyball spike their phone to the ground for being unbelievably rude. A third option is tell better stories.

7. Texting small talk.

Does our friendship mean nothing? Have we become so lazy and disinterested in each other’s lives that we’re asking people to sum up their days with a text? “How r u?” “What’s up?” “What’s new?” These arbitrary questions are annoying enough when asked in person, but at least we have the ability to fire back equally insignificant responses in one second or less. But expecting people to waste their time typing “not bad, u?” or “same sh*t” or heaven forbid “let me tell you about my day” is about as lame and pointless as your appendix.

8. Loud and annoying ringtones.

I was riding the bus to work one morning, when out of nowhere the silence was shattered with screaming. It was the type of scream a frat boy lets out when a serial killer is in the process of gutting him with a fountain pen. I just about had a cardiac arrest and many of the people on the bus jumped out of their seats. It was only when the repetitive screaming suddenly tripled in volume that we all discovered the culprit: a cell phone. Some jerk pulled the phone out of his pocket, embarrassed at how loud it was, and accidentally dropped it on the bus floor. The joke now on him, the whole bus watched in amusement as this dude’s face grew redder and redder, scrambling to pick up and silence the screams coming from his phone. While there are far too many stupid ringtones out there to mention here, the story makes the point: turn down your stupid ringtone! No one thinks you’re clever, or funny, or musically savvy when you’re little pocket jukebox interrupts their thoughts. That guy on the bus probably thought his scream-tone was hysterical, but the looks on everyone else’s face read loud and clear: “What a douche bag!”

9. Disturbing live performances.

Comedy shows, concerts, plays etc…Nothing boils my blood more than having art ruined by a ringing cell phone. I nearly gave a security guard a standing ovation when he grabbed a gentleman by the collar and escorted him out of a Cirque du Soleil show for having his cell phone go off during a particularly dangerous acrobatic stunt. You ruin someone’s comedy act or interrupt an actor on stage, in turn spoiling the experience for everyone around you who’s spent their hard earned money on a night out, and you’re an arrogant douche-monkey who should be put in the corner with the rest of the 5 year olds. But when you disturb a performer who’s very life depends on needle-point focus and concentration, you should be put in jail.

10. Location location location

There are countless locations where “taking the call” is inappropriate and extremely annoying to those around you. The first two off the top of my head as the most frustrating are in libraries, and fast food restaurant lines. One of the last places on earth, aside from an empty church or your own bathroom, where people can go to read, think, and study in silence, is under attack by people who refuse to disconnect from the outside world. Does the word SSSSHHHHH mean nothing to you? Take the call outside, before someone throws “War and Peace” or Stephen King’s “It” at your head.

While ordering food, there’s no need to explain how annoying a phone call can be for both the restaurant staff and for the customers in line behind you. Check out how one Subway restaurant dealt with this problem. Again, if people are going to act like children we need to treat them like children. Well played Subway, well played.

Well the Technological messiah has finally arrived in Canada. Now we can get back to anticipating other things, like the Dark Knight, or the ability to watch the Dark Knight on your iPhone.

With the iPhone available and the grassroots consumer action which led to lowered fees, The iPhone will keep Apple afloat for at least another five years. At which point PCs will be tired of the fan boy arrogance and crush them with one quick swoop destroying hundreds of starbucks and graphic design schools.

So enjoy your iPhone. They are really cool.

Sources:

http://flickr.com/photos/jaapoost/2321527307/

http://flickr.com/photos/littera/353133292/

http://flickr.com/photos/shapeshift/352593346/

The limited edition handset is the perfect metaphor for Marvel Comic’s latest blockbusting superhero. It wraps the inventive, technologically savvy qualities of Tony Stark in the durable, sleek, red and gold armor of Iron Man. Sweet. LG Shine to the Rescue.

But as cool as the movie looks, with all due respect, I was never a huge Iron Man fan growing up. Rich dude flying around in a suit of armor? Fap fap fap. So I can’t help but wonder Why does HE get a phone in HIS honor, when there have been countless comic book butt-kickers who deserve it way more? Are there less juvenile, more serious issues to ponder in the world today? Definitely. Did I spend an afternoon matching my favorite comic book characters with their respective cell phone technology? Absolutely.

Dr. Octopus - iPhone

At the height of smart-phone technology, who better to operate the multi-touch interface screen of Apple’s iPhone than evil super-genius Dr. Otto Octavius?

When he’s not busy throwing tanks, activating nuclear reactors or beating up Spidey, Doc Oc can use his mentally-controlled, telescopic tentacles to check emails, download music, text message his girlfriend while updating his blog, all at the same time! We’ll call it the iiiiPhone.

Wolverine - RAZR

For obvious reasons Wolverine needs something sharp, virtually indestructible, and able to accommodate his short temper. When he’s finished dealing with some punk Rogers customer service rep, he needs a phone he can throw into an enemy’s jugular. A cellular ninja-star if you will. So what better than a RAZR?

Silver Surfer - Motorola Q (Silver)

Exiled on earth, the Silver Surfer needs his very own silver…surfer…to surf….the web…get it? ‘Cause the phone is silver, and he’s……oh man that was terrible! What am I doing with my life?! Have you ever actually “booed” yourself? I can’t even look at myself in the mirror after that one. Wow. I suck for just suggesting the Motorola Q. Kicks me in the balls next time you see me.

The Hulk - TA-838/PT

“Hulk wearing ripped purple pants. What you wearing?” My impression of the Hulk having phone sex everybody….No? Nothing? Tough crowd. Anyhow, it’s pretty hard to picture the giant green bundle of rage delicately tapping away on his Blackberry, especially since one finger could turn the phone into blackberry juice. And I can’t picture him about to launch an oil tanker into orbit, only to be interrupted by Rihanna’s Umbrella song muffling its way out of his left pocket, when he pulls out his flip phone to take the call: “Hello? Hulk busy. Send text.” The Hulk needs something bulky with big buttons, something with the ability to send and receive calls while surrounded by explosions and incoming missiles.

Nothing takes a beating like the TA-838/PT Military Field Telephone, and incidentally nothing dishes them out better either. In the hands of our angry green friend the TA-838 is perfect for clobbering bad guys, smashing them into the ground like hammering a nail. And for fashion purposes, the phone also matches his skin color!

Power failures and flying beer bottles aside, there is nothing more distracting than having someone’s cell phone go off during a live performance. If the technology was brand new I could forgive the forgetfulness, but it has been decades people! For the love of baby Jesus turn off your phones! Especially when your ring tone is a stupid song about a stupid umbrella, ella ella…a…Aarrgghh! Makes me want to flush your hand-held jukebox down the toilet. Don’t get me wrong, I love my phone, I appreciate its usefulness, it’s practically an extension of my body at this point, but I know when and where to use it without looking like a douche bag.

As a stand up comic I’ve had countless jokes ruined by cell phones, so I did some research (and by research I mean checked out youtube) to see how others have dealt with them. What I discovered was hysterical. The following is a collection of videos demonstrating how cells have poked their little heads into all forms of public communication, and some of the most creative methods I’ve seen to handle the situation. Enjoy!

Method #1 I like to remind folks in advance. You are not in your living rooms, we can see you!

The most annoying audience members are often the ones who aren’t there.

Method #2 Embarrass the hell out the callee by bringing the caller on stage.

Method #3 Or even better, bring the stage to the them!

So captain awkward, what happens when your phone is the one spoiling the party?

Method #4 Gain sympathy, say “I love you”. (NOTE: May not salvage a sound-byte-driven, fear-mongering, and utterly failure-driven campaign for the American Presidency)

Method #5 Be a priest. Who’s gonna tell you off?

Method #6 Be smooth.

Method #7 Usually the opposite of smooth is rough, but in these cases the opposite of smooth is CRAZY.

I used to work in a crappy restaurant where you could get fired for answering your phone on the job. How the hell are these “professionals” still employed?

Method #8 Dance like an idiot to your own ring tone then answer the call on national television.